_{(posting this partly against my  better judgement... please don't worry if I remove it again)}

I teared up when I asked if they would tell me anything if I called the hospital. Because, I remembered when I called a hospital when my grandmother had had an operation. They didn't want to tell me... but then the nurse said she had "passed away".

I think my mum has cancer. She has been in hospital all this past week, and she's been very weak for the past month. Prior to that it's been coming on gradually, I think. She had scans on Friday; the MRI was unhelpful and I don't know if they've got the full analysis of the CT scan back. She's due to have a biopsy today. Time is ticking away until I have to make the call - to ask how it went and to say that we will be there at six, and could we talk to someone about the arrangements for her coming home?

I think they are going to send her home, and she thinks that between us, my husband and I, her nextdoor neighbour and a couple of friends will be able to cope with that. Previously, she likened climbing the stairs in her house to climbing Kinder Scout, the tallest hill in the Penines. I asked her if, other than a week ago on Sunday when she attempted to walk to the end of the corridor, she had walked anywhere other than the ensuite bathroom that her room has. She had to say no.

She has a lump and it's pressing on her digestive system; it's sapped her appetite and made it hard for her to keep food down. As a result of this she's been starving, and fluid has built up on her abdomen. My doctor friend (mum's neighbour) says this is because she has low levels of protein in her blood, but I have to take the biology connection on trust because I do not understand it. They have drained litres and litres of fluid, and she's lost 15kg in the last three weeks I think, but she's still technically in the "normal" bmi range, and before they drained she was "overweight", even though I could feel all her vertebrae and her skin has shrunk around her collar bones. Because of this while they've been telling her to eat more they haven't been attempting to give her any nutrients. She thinks that she will get stronger if only she can have some nice, non hospital food, and seems to forget that even when she likes something, she can hardly eat any of it.

I don't know what to do. My mum is the person I turn to for advice... but this time, it's just down to me. Everyone is trying to help me but she has always been the person whose judgement I have put above all others. Now I have to try to be brave and be an adult and sort this out but maybe this will make me finally rely on God because I certainly can't do it alone.